In 1981 Tommy was invited by the Variety Club to give a speech to honour the
60th birthday of Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh - Here's what happened next


Thank you your Royal Highness, Ladies and Gentlemen pray silence for Mr Tommy Cooper


Tommy stands up


'Please......my wife said to me are you a man or a mouse?

Well I know I'm a man because my wife is frightened of mice.

Well I'm wearing these really for two occasions I mean really because elephants are
frightened of mice as well.

And that's why I'm wearing 'em

No they are.............people don't know elephants are frightened of mice

I mean if an elephant saw a mouse it would run away - it would go

And this works...it does work 'cos if you look around the room you won't see an
elephant anywhere

Bit subtle that wasn't it?'


Fiddles with his bow-tie


'Uh-huh-huh'


Bow-tie falls to bits in Tommy's hands


'What did I do?

Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh

Your Royal Highness, Mr Chief Barker, my Lord's Ladies and Gentlemen - I must say
it's a great honour, a very great honour,being invited to this intimate little party

And the Chief Barker said to me.....well asked me..........a little while back to say a
few words

They were serving the white wine and the red wine - I don't know which because
I'm colour blind

He asked me if I would say a few words on the occasion of his Royal Highness
Prince Philip and his 60th birthday

So I said 'What should I say?'

He said don't talk about Prince Philip and don't mention his age

Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh

So I'd like to close now with a little song

But as we embark on the ship of life across the dangerous waters over our immortal
dest.................

I'll show you a liitle trick now

I have a pack of cards here

Now would you take 4 cards madam

You've never seen me before have you? (the woman is Tom's wife Gwen)

Have you four cards?

No don't show them me - don't show them me at all

Now I shall take one card, I won't look at it myself, from there like that

Now can you say out loud - what is the difference between the first hand you had and
the second one you've got now.'

Dove: 'The Queen is missing.'

Tommy: 'Well we all know that - well you can't have everybody.









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